New Rome’s Top Ten New
10) Save the village money by firing all the sidewalk sweepers.
9) Achieve a 10-to-1 ratio of cops-to-residents by the end of fiscal year
8) Run FBI profiles on all village offspring
7) Fund kickboxing classes for Nancy Chapman
6) Fund self-defense classes for Jeannie Frazier
5) Convince Franklin County Auditor Jim Petro that the books would balance
if he would just convert to the metric system
4) Instead of a Mensa club (for members with high IQ) start a New Rome Menstral
Club (for members with extreme PMS)
3) Start our own version of the 700 Club ($700,000 in traffic fines)
2) Promote the Village Council’s new official slogan: “If you can’t beat
‘em, un-seat ‘em”
1) SUCK even more than Monica Lewinski!
Everyone Else’s Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions
10) Dissolve New Rome!
9) Dissolve New Rome!
8) Dissolve New Rome!
7) Dissolve New Rome!
6) Dissolve New Rome!
5) Dissolve New Rome!
4) Dissolve New Rome!
3) Dissolve New Rome!
2) Dissolve New Rome!
1) Dissolve New Rome!
"Barney the Dufus"
(Sung to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")
Barney the dufus...
Was a cop from ole' New Rome
With a big white car
And his own radar
He did call this village home
Down to the side street
With some tickets in his hand
He was there to stop
He's a traffic cop
'Bout the worst in all the land
He led them to the trailer court
Right in the heart of town
Then he tried to take their money when
He heard them holler "STOP"
For, Barney the Dufus
Knew his time was winding down
Let's improve our luck
Cause New Rome does suck
Let's get rid of this damn town!
"A Limerick for New Rome"
by "OPOC" (One Pissed-Off Chick)
There once was a cop from New Rome
Who called that small Hell-hole home
Abusing his power
He drove me to writing this poem
I drove thru that s**t-hole in error
I never expected such terror
Old Barney was mean
His favorite color was green
I cringed when I saw him in my mirror
He wrote me an outrageous ticket
His nose was so big he could pick it
He added some fees
That made me say "Geez"
"Up his a** is where he can go stick it"
I went to the trailer to fight it
A structure that really did "bite it"
The clerk was a b***h
Dressed in black, like a witch
My receipt- she did not want to write it
Their court has been called "Kangaroo"
They most certainly treat us like poo
To me they were rude
Their manners were crude
And they took all my money, too
I did win just half of my battle
To my friends I did certainly tattle
Of their greed and corruption
Along with the gumption
Of the arrogance they constantly prattle
The treatment I got wasn't fair
But New Rome certainly doesn't care
So, excited with glee
I answered Jim's plea
To come join him and demonstrate there
With great joy, I joined up with the group
The cops there are chickens in a coop
I hoisted my sign
My God, it felt fine
To tell them they stink worse than poop
A K-9 unit drove past at a crawl
A Columbus cop, just in case of a brawl
Right there, with his pup
He gave me a "thumbs up"
Not one person did he even have to haul
I work for a large university
Where we value, not fear, human diversity
I've made it my quest
Along with the rest
To expose New Rome's crooked subversity
New Rome has been run by some f**ks
Who will soon find themselves down on their luck
For their downfall I am praying
So now my two favorite sayings
Are "Go Bucks" and of course, "New Rome SUCKS"
"A Limerick for New Rome- Part Two"
by OPOC (One Pissed-Off Chick)
There once was a town called New Rome
Three tenths of a mile it's home
When I think of this spot,
The road Nazi's they've got
I'm so pissed, from the mouth I spew foam!
This town is a speck on the map
It's function: corrupt traffic trap
That small ugly blurb
No sidewalk, no curb
It's concept of justice is crap
It's purpose remains a big hoax
The council are some red-necked folks
They ticket with ease
And add extra fees
Your money from you they will coax
No business can make it nearby
Their customers won't even try
To get through this town
Where the chief is a clown
It makes them so sad that they sigh
New Rome has been busted before
So it's time they were kicked out the door
How can this small village
Continue to pillage
And remain such a useless eyesore?
Each year over 300 grand ??!!
It's time that we all took a stand
Can't balance their books
Cause two clerks were both crooks
Some money they kept in their hand
The cops spend the rest of the cash
On their radars and lights that they flash
Their pockets they fill...
These pigs in their swill...
While the whole time the town looks like trash
You'd think that with all of this green
Round-the-clock the police would be seen
But if there's any crime
Or it's past their bed time
Franklin County gets called to the scene!
Jim Petro just finished his audit
It's time that New Rome finally got it
The problems would solve
If New Rome would dissolve
If that happened, we all would applaud it
We'd only need two Tonka trucks
To remove the "courthouse" of these f**ks
The trailer we'd load
And ship down the road
And the whole time we'll chant "New Rome SUCKS!"
A Limerick for New Rome – Part 3
By OPOC (One Pissed Off Chick)
There once was a novice hacker
Who really was just a dumb slacker
With nothing to do
But sit there and stew
He must be New Rome’s biggest backer
A virus he did try to give us
In grade school, he rode the short school bus
For we are too smart
For this stupid fart
To use his ole’ virus to get us
Such smart little techies we are…
We saw your lame trick from afar
So save your small brain
Stop being a pain
Before your brain cells melt like tar
For Jim and the rest of his crew
Are not at all frightened by you
We’ll keep up the fight
‘Til you see the light
Your rent-a-cops make us feel blue
A speed limit of thirty-five
Is really a whole lot of jive
And just like bad spam
You’ll be in a jam
New Rome is always a “hard drive”
Your mind may be pressing escape
Your mouth may be hanging agape
You soon will be poor
‘Cause one things for sure
The cop will act like a big ape
I look at my computer screen
And read about the New Rome scene
Jim Petro was right
Their books are a sight
When will this town ever come clean?
Don’t think New Rome could make a website
‘Cause that would take talent and insight
It costs us no bucks
To say “New Rome Sucks”
Its downfall will bring us delight
New Rome does not have a PC
They can’t handle technology
The clerk is distressed
She’s filled with such stress
She can’t find that damned “any” key…
So desperate for money, these clucks
They’d ticket some waddling ducks!
We’re onto their game
They should feel such shame
‘Cause everyone knows NEW ROME SUCKS!