New Rome’s Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

10) Save the village money by firing all the sidewalk sweepers.
9) Achieve a 10-to-1 ratio of cops-to-residents by the end of fiscal year 2003
8) Run FBI profiles on all village offspring
7) Fund kickboxing classes for Nancy Chapman
6) Fund self-defense classes for Jeannie Frazier
5) Convince Franklin County Auditor Jim Petro that the books would balance if he would just convert to the metric system
4) Instead of a Mensa club (for members with high IQ) start a New Rome Menstral Club   (for members with extreme PMS)
3) Start our own version of the 700 Club ($700,000 in traffic fines)
2) Promote the Village Council’s new official slogan: “If you can’t beat ‘em, un-seat ‘em”
1) SUCK even more than Monica Lewinski!


Everyone Else’s Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

10) Dissolve New Rome!
9) Dissolve New Rome!
8) Dissolve New Rome!
7) Dissolve New Rome!
6) Dissolve New Rome!
5) Dissolve New Rome!
4) Dissolve New Rome!
3) Dissolve New Rome!
2) Dissolve New Rome!
1) Dissolve New Rome!

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"Barney the Dufus"

(Sung to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Barney the dufus...
Was a cop from ole' New Rome
With a big white car
And his own radar
He did call this village home

Down to the side street
With some tickets in his hand
He was there to stop
He's a traffic cop
'Bout the worst in all the land

He led them to the trailer court
Right in the heart of town
Then he tried to take their money when
He heard them holler "STOP"

For, Barney the Dufus
Knew his time was winding down
Let's improve our luck
Cause New Rome does suck
Let's get rid of this damn town!

  "A Limerick for New Rome" 
by "OPOC"  (One Pissed-Off Chick) 

There once was a cop from New Rome 
Who called that small Hell-hole home 
Abusing his power 
Hour-by-hour 
He drove me to writing this poem 

I drove thru that s**t-hole in error 
I never expected such terror 
Old Barney was mean 
His favorite color was green 
I cringed when I saw him in my mirror 

He wrote me an outrageous ticket 
His nose was so big he could pick it 
He added some fees 
That made me say "Geez" 
"Up his a** is where he can go stick it" 

I went to the trailer to fight it 
A structure that really did "bite it" 
The clerk was a b***h 
Dressed in black, like a witch 
My receipt- she did not want to write it 

Their court has been called "Kangaroo" 
They most certainly treat us like poo 
To me they were rude 
Their manners were crude 
And they took all my money, too 
 
 I did win just half of my battle 
To my friends I did certainly tattle 
Of their greed and corruption 
Along with the gumption 
Of the arrogance they constantly prattle 
The treatment I got wasn't fair 
But New Rome certainly doesn't care 
So, excited with glee 
I answered Jim's plea 
To come join him and demonstrate there 

With great joy, I joined up with the group 
The cops there are chickens in a coop 
I hoisted my sign 
My God, it felt fine 
To tell them they stink worse than poop 

A K-9 unit drove past at a crawl 
A Columbus cop, just in case of a brawl 
Right there, with his pup 
He gave me a "thumbs up" 
Not one person did he even have to haul 

I work for a large university 
Where we value, not fear, human diversity 
I've made it my quest 
Along with the rest 
To expose New Rome's crooked subversity 

New Rome has been run by some f**ks 
Who will soon find themselves down on their luck 
For their downfall I am praying 
So now my two favorite sayings 
Are "Go Bucks" and of course,  "New Rome SUCKS"

"A Limerick for New Rome- Part Two"  
by OPOC (One Pissed-Off Chick)  

There once was a town called New Rome  
Three tenths of a mile it's home  
When I think of this spot,  
The road Nazi's they've got  
I'm so pissed, from the mouth I spew foam!  

This town is a speck on the map  
It's function: corrupt traffic trap  
That small ugly blurb  
No sidewalk, no curb  
It's concept of justice is crap  

It's purpose remains a big hoax  
The council are some red-necked folks  
They ticket with ease  
And add extra fees  
Your money from you they will coax  

No business can make it nearby  
Their customers won't even try  
To get through this town  
Where the chief is a clown  
It makes them so sad that they sigh  

New Rome has been busted before  
So it's time they were kicked out the door  
How can this small village  
Continue to pillage  
And remain such a useless eyesore?
 Each year over 300 grand ??!!  
It's time that we all took a stand  
Can't balance their books  
Cause two clerks were both crooks  
Some money they kept in their hand  
The cops spend the rest of the cash  
On their radars and lights that they flash  
Their pockets they fill...  
These pigs in their swill...  
While the whole time the town looks like trash  

You'd think that with all of this green  
Round-the-clock the police would be seen  
But if there's any crime  
Or it's past their bed time  
Franklin County gets called to the scene!  

Jim Petro just finished his audit  
It's time that New Rome finally got it  
The problems would solve  
If New Rome would dissolve  
If that happened, we all would applaud it  

We'd only need two Tonka trucks  
To remove the "courthouse" of these f**ks  
The trailer we'd load  
And ship down the road  
And the whole time we'll chant "New Rome SUCKS!"  

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  A Limerick for New Rome – Part 3
By OPOC (One Pissed Off Chick)

There once was a novice hacker
Who really was just a dumb slacker
With nothing to do
But sit there and stew
He must be New Rome’s biggest backer

A virus he did try to give us
In grade school, he rode the short school bus
For we are too smart
For this stupid fart
To use his ole’ virus to get us

Such smart little techies we are…
We saw your lame trick from afar
So save your small brain
Stop being a pain
Before your brain cells melt like tar

For Jim and the rest of his crew
Are not at all frightened by you
We’ll keep up the fight
‘Til you see the light
Your rent-a-cops make us feel blue

A speed limit of thirty-five
Is really a whole lot of jive
And just like bad spam
You’ll be in a jam
New Rome is always a “hard drive”

Your mind may be pressing escape
Your mouth may be hanging agape
You soon will be poor
‘Cause one things for sure
The cop will act like a big ape

I look at my computer screen
And read about the New Rome scene
Jim Petro was right
Their books are a sight
When will this town ever come clean?

Don’t think New Rome could make a website
‘Cause that would take talent and insight
It costs us no bucks
To say “New Rome Sucks”
Its downfall will bring us delight

New Rome does not have a PC
They can’t handle technology
The clerk is distressed
She’s filled with such stress
She can’t find that damned “any” key…

So desperate for money, these clucks
They’d ticket some waddling ducks!
We’re onto their game
They should feel such shame
‘Cause everyone knows NEW ROME SUCKS!